Kai has autism

When Kai was about two, I began to wonder why he was not really talking yet. Of course, his pediatrician said not to worry, boys talk late sometimes.

At two and a half, I asked again why my son was not talking yet, only to be dismissed, as if I were just another neurotic mother, overreacting to imagined issues. I was told to wait, and if he had not progressed, we would look into it when he turned three.

When Kai turned three, the doctor suggested that I make an appointment to have him screened by the school district. Finally, a course of action had been proposed, and I leaped into motion.

I called the school district to request a screening, and after two weeks of being bounced around from voice mail to voice mail, I finally got an appointment to have him observed...in a month.

After an excruciating wait, he was screened. This appointment was just the "entrance exam" to have further observations approved...after three more observations, painful delays and lots and lots of stress and worry, they finally dropped the A-bomb.

"Your son has Autism"

This was in early December of 2006. By the end of the month, Kai had been approved to begin his first therapy...special education classes through the state run preschool.

This was the first time I had been able to DO something to help my child. What a relief and yet, I knew it was not enough. We added other therapies to his schedule and, finally, a year later, I began to hear about biomedical measures that I could start on my own without the help or approval of our pediatrician.

There is such extreme time pressure put on families to help their children overcome the debilitating effects of autism, and yet, there is very little guidance from the people you rely on to guide you. Doctors, teachers, therapists...they are all limited in what they are even allowed to share with you about therapies that have been successful for some, but are not proven for all. Research leads you down so many avenues it becomes hard to separate legitimate therapies or biomedical interventions from those that offer false hope and financial peril. Everything costs a lot of money and most insurances will offer little to no help with anything.

A year later, I am finally beginning to feel like I have a solid plan of action including both traditional therapies and new biomedical treatments, but I don't know if I will ever feel like I have done enough for my precious baby boy. I don't know if I will ever stop feeling angry and betrayed for losing a year that I could have been using to help him, because I was not encouraged to take action. I don't know if I will ever stop blaming myself for not educating myself sooner and taking action anyway...

But, I do know that my son is growing and improving everyday. I do know that he is a wonderful child who will have a world of opportunities to explore in life. I do know that autism is not the end of all my hopes and dreams for my child. And, I do know that I will love him and be here for him whether we conquer autism or not.

I just wish I had someone to tell me all this a year ago when I felt so lost and alone.

--Kristie